She was Still Born

After Ari died I remember a thought hitting me like a ghost train- like a punch in the stomach or maybe the heart. Ari died inside my body; inside my womb- my body was a place of death; a grave site. I felt like my womb was black, turned to cold stone. This place in my body was meant to create life, not take it away. Such weight I felt from this fact.

But then it was in almost an instant that I was and still am freed from this thought. Yes, Ari died inside me- but she was also created inside me and lived her entire life within me. A complete cycle of birth and death took place inside my body- a feat comparable to only Planet Earth. I remember the above quote, which was posted in my house during pregnancy, and cherish the ways that Ari experienced the delights of life through me. I played Mozart to her, even before the books say she could hear. I read my favorite books to her before bed, I sang her lullabies, I fed her nutritious, nourishing foods. We swam and floated almost daily throughout the summer. It is true also that Ari experienced the lows of life- the stress of her two parents adjusting into parenthood, exhausting days of fieldwork, and the occasional junk food. My motherhood began at conception, not at birth.

Despite the fact she never physically touched the world beyond the confines of my skin, she still came into existence, came into being, joined our family, touched and was touched by the energy of life. Arianna was declared stillborn on December 2nd, but she was still born long before.