Expectations

Written 7 Febraruy 2007:

I was going to stay at home from work. I was going to breastfeed, even if it was difficult. I was going to make a mobile that would stimulate her senses. I was going to take one million photos a day of her. I was going to sing to her. I was going to dance with her in the kitchen. I was going to run with her in the stroller. I was going to be with her the first time she saw the world. I was going to be with her the first time she went outside to feel the wind. I was going to use cloth diapers so she wouldn't get rashes. I was going to make baby food from scratch. I was going to be overwhelmingly tired. I was going to nap when she napped. I was going to gaze into her eyes. I was going to cry with the difficulties of motherhood. I was going to talk with Kat, Leigh, and Cindy about their babies and hardships. I was going to bring her to Liv's for Christmas festivities. I was going to have 'family cuddle time' with her, Brian, and the dogs. I was going to read books to her before she could comprehend. I was going to shower her with love even when I was tired and frustrated. I was going to have trouble putting my career on the back burner. I was going to be constantly doing laundry. I was going to give her as much physical contact as she needed. I was going to go back to work after three months, only part time. I was going to get her girly clothes. I was going to keep writing in the journal I started for her. I was going to eat well so my milk would be nutritious. I was going to read mothering magazines. I was going to love her. I was going to have my life be her life and her life be my life. I was going to have a daughter and I was going to be a mother. I was going to have a family. I was going to receive cards and presents for her. I was going to introduce her to friends and family. I was going to have a full house of visitors cooing over her. I was going to be annoyed at Brian's mother visiting too often. I was going to have the first baby of our friends. I was going to persevere through hard times. I was going to try my best. I was going to be over-protective. I was going to bring life to the world. I was going to meet the child I have dreamt of and felt for my entire life.

But instead- I got devastation, shock, and pain. I brought death to our family. I got cards of condolences. I got a house filled with visitors in tears. I got an empty baby's room. I got a hazy image of her face. I only got to hold her lifeless body for a moment. I got to say goodbye before I said hello. I got death. I got to go back to work. I got to run, eat, and sing alone. I got to introduce no one to anyone. I got a memorial ceremony. I got a black box partially full of ashes. I got clothes, sheets, and diapers that will never be used. I got a flabby stretched out stomach with no child to show for it. I got blood on my feet and a popped eye vessel with no child to show for it. I got to sleep whenever I wanted. I got a puppy so I would have someone to nurture. I got emptiness. I got death in a place that was to bring life. I got a handful of motionless pictures. I got to kiss her once. I got flowers. I got to read aloud with no one to listen. I got to be a mother with a lost child. I got attention instead of her. I got anger, causing fights with Brian and kicking and screaming. I got my trust betrayed. I got a wide uncertain future again. I got stuck between maidenhood and motherhood. I got a star named after her- starry Ari. I got blood stained clothes. I made a Mobil for myself of butterflies, playfully swinging above my head. I got a teddy bear and blanket that were suppose to be hers. I cherish these things. I cherish her.