Stillborn Labor- Continued

We soon decided it was best to head home, back through the snowy night. The contractions in the car were the hardest- I was uncomfortable, cold, scarred, unsure, resistant. I was only 4 cm dilated- I was afraid of the long hours to come and the increasing pain. But I made a promise to myself that as soon as I entered the house, I would start over; I would embrace my contractions and let labor come to me. And this is what I did. As soon as I crossed through the doorway, in a matter of minutes, I felt like I had to push! How could this be, I asked the midwives. They said they would prepare the bed and suggested Brian and I take a hot shower. The shower was intense, steamy, timeless, spaceless. Brian held my weight as I welcomed my contractions. I threw up (mostly on Brian!), as I was warned might happen. My mind was entirely off- I thought nothing of the devastation inside me. I heard myself grunting and groaning- I knew it was soon time to push. Unknown to me, my sister came to the house to check on things. Later should told me that I sounded as if I were in orgasmic ecstasy.

I made my way from the shower to the bedside. I stood at the foot of the bed, where I rocked and swayed, up and down, following the rhythm of the contractions. Brian held my weight at the apex of the pains. Soon I lowered to the floor on all four. My body told me it was time. Brian positioned himself behind me along with Michelle to catch the baby. Kathy crouched in front of me. I pushed there in the low light of dawn at the foot of the bed under my birthing wall- I cried ancient animalistic cries. My face was pure surprise at the pain- indescribable pain. With a push, Brian held part of the baby. We waited for the next contraction to resume pushing- waited, wanting, wishing for a contraction so Brian wouldn't have to hold his lifeless child any longer. I heard two of his voices- one was strong, unwavering, encouraging; the other whimpering, in agony and sorrow- it was as if two Brians were there. In time, a contraction came, and the baby was out. They asked if I wanted to see the baby. With my forehead lowered to the ground, I shook my head, no.

I sat in a daze as the placenta was delivered. After some worry of excessive bleeding, I was instructed to stay put there on the floor, surrounded by a mixture of blood and fluids. Exhausted and in deep shock, tears and sobs cooled my hot face. Our baby was born at 6:32 on the dawn of December 2nd. The morning was still and clear- the fresh snow twinkled on the bare branches. Active labor lasted no more than 3 hours. --More to come on the following minutes and the preciousness of meeting my child--