No Death, No Fear

Yesterday morning I sat in my small sunroom, watching the day begin, sitting in my new meditation chair, reading a book on holistic healing. I paused to look out the window at the mountains and think of Ari. I talked to her aloud- a sign that I am gradually refinding and reforming my relationship with my daughter. I told her I missed and loved her, and then I asked if some day she could tell me why she died. "It doesn't have to be today or anytime soon, but some day will you help me understand?" I just listened to the silence, not expecting a reply. My ride soon arrived and I was off to work.

That evening we had a family dinner at my brother-in-laws' parents house, Barb and Knowles. After a fresh, organic, home-cooked meal, Barb went to her bedroom to grab a book for me- No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life by Thich Nhat Hanh. This is perfect, I thought and later that night at home I opened the pages. Not but two pages into the text, this is what I read:

"A few weeks later the weather became warm again. As I walked in my garden I saw new buds on the japonica manifesting another generation of flowers. I asked the japonica flowers: "Are you the same as the flowers that died in the frost or are you different flowers?" The flowers replied to me: "Thay, we are not the same and we are not different. When conditions are sufficient we manifest and when conditions are not sufficient we go into hiding. It's as simple as that." / This is what the Buddha taught. When conditions are sufficient things manifest. When conditions are no longer sufficient things withdraw. They wait until the moment is right for them to manifest again. / Before giving birth to me, my mother was pregnant with another baby. She had a miscarriage, and that person wasn't born. When I was young I used to ask the question: was that my brother or was that me? Who was trying to manifest at that time? If a baby has been lost it means that conditions were not enough for him to manifest and the child has decided to withdraw in order to wait for better conditions. "I had better withdraw; I'll come back again soon, my dearest." We have to respect his or her will. If you see the world with eyes like this, you will suffer much less. Was it my brother that my mother lost? Or maybe I was about to come out but instead I said, "It isn't time yet," so I withdrew."

Well if Ari led me to this passage or if I just stumbled upon it, here is an answer. I read this passage to Brian, my boyfriend, last night. Together we realized that the insufficient conditions were not from anything we did or did not do, but rather some mix of things known and unknown to us that just were not right. It is as simple as that. I feel comforted by this and hopeful that Arianna will some day manifest again somewhere, sometime.

Thank you Ari!!