Brian and I and the dogs hiked up Mud Lake today to spread Ari's ashes. We have hiked to this spot many, many times. In fact, Brian and I had one of our first falling-in-love moments there. Sitting up on a large boulder, Brian played the guitar and sang a song he wrote. After, I pulled out a note I had written for her:
Dear Ari: Six months ago today our tears began. We were sad, so deeply sad. We were shocked, so deeply shocked. After our nine months together as a family, you were lost to us. We could not hear your cries. We could not feel your soft skin. You were a daughter lost and we were parents lost. We never once stopped loving you, but in the midst of our pain we could not find you. The last six months have been so hard in so many ways. Trying to build a house to make a home, trying to keep me and Brian together, trying to get in one piece again. We have struggled with drinking, out of control emotions, friends not understanding. We have hidden from our pain, been numbed by it. Yet, still at other times, we dove head first into the pain; embraced, surrendered, accepted it. Then only to backlash with anger and sorrow. This entire struggle has had one sole purpose. And that is to find you again. This time not wiggling in my womb but somewhere else, somewhere less immediate, less tangible, but yes, still there.
It makes me so happy, so deeply happy, and full, so deeply full to say that I have found you again and you have found me. We are no longer lost to each other. I talk to you with ease and trust. I see you in the clouds, in young girls, in dandelion tufts, in moths, in wind, in storms. I see you there- I feel you there. And I know you can feel me. I cherish getting to know you deeper and deeper.
Today, June 2nd, 2006, we spread your ashes at Mud Lake. From this spot you can see all of Victor, and from all of Victor you can see this spot. We spread your ashes and are reminded of your beautiful tiny body. We spread your ashes and release your body and soul fully and completely into the universe. We are happy for you to be free. We spread your ashes here but know you are everywhere- inside and out. Even though we are moving to Maine, we know you will always accompany. But, here, at Mud Lake, will always be a special spot, every time we visit or Liv and the dogs come for a walk. May your rich ashes bring nutrients to this soil. May the trees here grow taller towards the sun. May the wind carry your ashes down to the alfalfa fields below. May they land in the Teton River and flow to the ocean. May you touch every part of life and bring your riches along. Your ashes have been close by these months- in hand, in bed, by bed, on the windowsill. And now today we are ready to share you with all the world. We love you more than I ever knew possible and are blessed to also feel your love. Be Free My Sweet Arianna.
We kept a button that made it through the cremation and a teaspoon of ashes. These along with a piece of sage and a heart-shaped rock are now in her box. Brian and I had a good cry and a good smile.
2 comments:
hi you amazing beautifull girl-this blog is astounding-brought back alot of memories-had to stop for tearfull breaks but what a great way for not only family and friends to remember ari and what you and brian have been through but also something to give to others in the same situation
i loved what liv wrote for the remembrance ceremony and it is true about the smoke from the fire
here's something i carry around with me in my"name game book"with ari
"in one of the stars i shall be living. in one of them i shall be laughing. and so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night."
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