Stillborn Labor

On the evening of December 2nd, 2006 labor began at a small dinner party. The conversation, laughter, and companionship helped open my body and allowed my contractions to get stronger. Around midnight, after about 4 hours of mellow contractions, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to go home. As we stepped outside and saw the snow storm, I knew tonight would be the night. With sleep clearly not an option, the contractions took over my attention and we soon called our midwives at about 1am. Over the next hour, we prepared the house, played rusted root, and called my sister and mom. Between contractions I hustled about, but during I leaned on the table, crouched on the couch, swayed in Brian's arms. The contractions became more intense, and I became more mellow. The lights dimmed, the music turned to classical, I layed in bed. I was ready. I was so deeply excited in every part of my self. I was to become a mother in only hours. My baby was to become her/his own person in only hours from now. My midwife, Michelle, and her 2 assistants arrived at the house around 2am. They set themselves up and soon took out the dopler to listened to the baby's heartbeat.

There was no heartbeat. Michelle tried and tried, searched and searched, but we heard nothing. I layed as still as I could through my contractions, hoping she could find something. I could hear Brian near my head beginning to sob as the time ticked by. I remained neutral. I felt nothing but my contractions. I was in an even plain of shock and disbelief. Michelle said in all her years of experience, she was never unable to locate the heartbeat. I tried to reposition myself, while Michelle talked to the others and phoned our backup doctor. We decided to go to the local hospital for an ultrasound to confirm what we already knew. After struggling through a cold snowy car ride, we arrived at the hospital to find out the ultrasound technitian was not on call. At this point I had 3 options: drive an hour in a snow storm to another hospital, continue labor at the local hospital, or go home and deliver our child. I struggled with the decision, not wanting to go through labor only to find my child lifeless. I wanted it done for me, to not feel a thing, I wanted drugs, I wanted to be shut off, despite my devotion to natural childbirth. I asked Michelle what she thought was happening- was there a chance? She said maybe but likely our baby had already passed. And then with one short sentence, reality came plowing over me. She said, "it looks like we are going to have to say good-bye before we were able to say hello." With those words and that truth, my tears, devistation, fear, and sorrow replaced the hope and joy I had for our baby's childhood and my own motherhood.