Letter to family

This is a copy of the letter I sent to my friends and family, telling them that I was pregnant.

10 May 2006
Dear Family,

I am writing you all to deliver some ‘you better sit down’ news. Good news- don’t worry. Brian and I are about three months pregnant; unplanned but welcomed! I apologize for the mass letter, but I thought it would be the best way to communicate my journey over the last month.

Brian and I went to the doctor on April 8th to take an official pregnancy test. With a smile and a handshake from the doctor, we found out the big news growing inside me, despite consistently taking birth control pills for three months. I felt happiness, confusion, shock, excitement, nervousness- although I did have some preparation for the moment, as hints from my body, dreams, and premonitions since I met Brian gave away the surprise. For the next several days, I was overwhelmed with logistics, questions, reading, daydreaming, planning. This consumed every minute of the day and night, all the while both Brian and I feeling sure we would continue through with the pregnancy.

Week two hit with some bad dreams, cold feet, second-guessing, challenging questions from loved ones, and intense confused tears. Brain and I very seriously considered having an abortion- so close that I researched my options and called doctors, while feeling unsure which direction to go. After many talks with my sister Liv, Mom, Brian, a pregnancy counselor, and myself, I was still completely at a loss as to what to do. Eventually, Brian and I decided not to talk about it to anyone for two days and then come to each other with our certain decision.

Luckily, on day two I had to go do some solo fieldwork for my job. I drove my company’s Chevy truck down Spring Gulch Road, dust clouding the views of the Teton Mountains and East Gros Ventre Butte. I found my project site and headed in to the spring-inspired cottonwood and spruce forest. Taking a break by the snowmelt filled stream, I sat on the ground and listened. Sat and listened, slowly and openly, outward and inward. All I could sense was humming, color, light, beauty, and creativity. The growth of spring was inside me and surrounding me, allowing me to feel connected, centered, rooted. The ongoing quest to drop my humanity and move in the same energy as the rest of the living world soon became momentarily real. Clarity followed in an unspoken, un-thought whitewash. The spinning mobile of thoughts fell apart and I was left to follow my heart.

To honor life and beauty, my spirit and spirituality, risk and adventure, integrity and faith, and those in my life who have died, we have decided to have this child. To do anything otherwise would deny all I hold central and principle in this life; would kill the part of my body where I feel sacred and connected. Of course, I am still nervous to enter this new chapter, but I am sure. I am excited for you all to be cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great-grandparents! I do consider each of you to be my family, in the truest sense of the word and will cherish your love and support to come.

Be Well and I Love You!
Ava